


Space Dad Problems

by EnvyBakemono



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Dick Jokes, During Canon, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 05:40:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9978422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EnvyBakemono/pseuds/EnvyBakemono
Summary: Shiro likes to think of himself as a paternal figure to Lance, Pidge and Hunk. He's not quite sure why Allura finds that so funny.





	

**Author's Note:**

> TW for cissexism, secondhand embarrassment for poor Shiro, and a lot of crude jokes, including gay jokes (made by queer people). 
> 
> My first Voltron fanfic, and it's dirty as fuck.

Shiro couldn’t figure out why Allura was looking at him like that. “What?”

“You’re...what?”

“The team dad. Space Dad.” He smiled, although her expression wasn’t filling him with confidence. “...That’s part of being the Black Paladin, right?” Suddenly there was doubt. He didn’t _like_ doubt. “I mean, I inspire them. Or try to. I don’t know if I’m the _best_ at it but—”

 “Oh, you certainly inspire them.” Allura was… smiling. It wasn’t a smile he trusted. “They look up to you a lot.”

 “See! Space Dad.”

 “How old are you again? In Earth years.”

 Shiro tried to hide the sulk. “...Twenty. Almost.”

 “Uh… I don’t remember how that converts. But you’re not very much older than them, are you?”

 “Older enough.” He shrugged. “I can pick Pidge up with one hand—”

 She started laughing. _Now_ he was starting to take it personally. “Yes, of course.”

 “....What aren’t you saying?” he asked suspiciously. “It’s starting to worry me.”

 “Oh, there’s nothing to worry about!” She gave him a look that seemed to venture...downwards. Maybe he was imagining things. Probably. That would be ridiculous. Allura was a _princess._ She was above whatever silliness his brain was trying to feed him. “How about you go check on your, uh, space children?”

 “Don’t be silly. I wouldn’t call them that.” Beat. “To their faces.”

 ---

 He’d almost forgotten about the entire conversation by the time he made it down the _way_ too long Castle hall, but something stopped him just before turning the corner into the kitchen. One, the smell of Hunk’s cooking. He hadn’t decided whether he was subjecting himself to that or not yet. Hunk’s experience with Altean ingredients was… still short of the mark.

 Secondly - “Come _on,_ Keith, we _know_ you’ve seen it!” - Lance was excited about something.

 “I’m not getting into this!”

 “You could at least give us a range,” commented Pidge dryly.

 Shiro stood by the door, blinking and trying to figure out what on earth they were talking about.

 Keith snorted. “The secret will die with me.”

 “Oh, so it’s a _seeecret._ ”

 “Yeah, well, you just confirmed you _have_ seen it!” Oh, Hunk was getting into it too. Shiro was starting to feel vaguely uncomfortable.

 “The _rest_ of him’s big,” added Pidge. “It’d be weird if his dick wasn’t.”

 Lance scoffed. “Right, like that’s any indicator. I’m not a big guy, and _I’m—_ ”

 “Please shut your piehole,” said Keith weakly.

 Something fizzled in Shiro’s brain. Uh.

 “What’s the matter, Keith? Scared I’m bigger than _you?_ ”

 “ _Please_ don’t start, you two,” Pidge sighed. “I don’t have access to a ruler, and I don’t want to hear whatever contrivance you come up with to make putting your penises together _not_ homoerotic.”

 There was a sudden silence. Shiro stuffed his fist into his mouth, not sure if he was going to laugh, cry or scream.

 “Keith started it,” Lance grumbled. There was a thwack. Shiro had no doubt of who had started _that._

 “Why are you all so obsessed with how big Shiro’s dick is anyway?” Keith complained. “It’s not like size is _that_ big a deal.”

 “You say, as we pilot the largest robot in the universe.”

 “I - Well - Hmm.”

 “Our lions are all the same size,” Hunk interjected. “Uh, well, mostly. Shiro’s _is_ bigger. Sort of.”

 “Only if you count the wings.”

 Shiro wondered if he could drag himself away. He had a feeling it was too late.

“Well - LANCE! Lance, what are you—!”

 There was a beep. “Lance? Is there a problem?”

 Allura. Lance had called _Allura._ Shiro stared at the floor, feeling his hopes and dreams spiral off into the vast void. So much for “Space Dad”.

 “Yeah! We have a question we need your input on.”

 “No we _don’t!_ ” There was a thud, and Shiro imagined Keith was wrestling Lance, but Pidge was only too happy to step in.

 “We’re having a scientific discussion about Shiro!”

 Allura laughed. _Laughed._ “I had a feeling.”

 Lance chimed in again. “Come on, Princess! Place your bets. 6 inches,, 8 or 10 - or the _real_ long shot of the full foot?”

 There was a sputter from Pidge. “ _Lance._ He would _never_ get laid.”

 “Have you seen how tightly wound he is? He doesn’t.”

 Keith groaned. “And that fits with your theory of us being secret lovers, how?”

 “It’s why you’re so depressed all the time! You want his loving in your butt, but you’re way too much of a tight ass—”

 THUNK. Shiro had a feeling he wasn’t going to hear any more out of Lance. Thank god.

 “Hmm…”

 No. No, Allura was NOT sounding thoughtful. Or considering her options. “Put me down for eight. Ten seems...excessive. His pants are rather tight for that.”

 “He _does_ wear very tight pants.” Hunk. Again. _Hunk, why have you betrayed me?_ Shiro thought mournfully. “I don’t know, though. Put me down for ten.” He was sounding kind of hopeful. That was concerning.

 “I’m gonna go against the crowd and bet on 6.”

 “What? _Why?”_ Keith was sounding rather offended.

 “Well, _you_ guys don’t have to worry about it, but bigger doesn’t mean better when it comes to vaginas! I _have_ an outside limit, and I’d rather not have my cervix destroyed—”

 “Please stop talking,” groaned Hunk, unknowingly echoing Shiro’s increasingly-distressed thoughts. “Seeing you as a sex object is just unalienably weird.”

 “That’s homo,” mumbled Lance, sounding a little worse for wear.

 “ _You’re_ homo,” Pidge retorted.

 “No, you.”

 “Well, yes.”

 “I thought you were bi?” asked Keith.

 “Bi is homo!”

 “I thought gay was homo,” Lance asked confusedly.

 “Bi jokes aren’t as catchy.”

 “I’m leaving the three- sorry, Princess, _four_ \- of you to your depravity,” Keith grumbled. It took Shiro way too long to realize what that meant. In fact, by the time he _had,_ Keith was staring up at him with growing horror. “Oh. Uh. Hi.”

 There was a shuffle inside the room, and something fell to the floor. Shiro figured he couldn’t make things any worse. So he poked his head around the corner, took in the horrified expressions of the teenagers in the room, summoned whatever dignity he had left, and said…

 “Eight. Allura wins. Also—” He gave Keith a kiss on the nose. “Be nice to my boyfriend.”

 Then he walked away. Let them chew on _that._

 Now to find some brain bleach so he could get the image of Pidge talking about her cervix out of his head. And come up for a new title for himself.


End file.
